April 14, 2005

Vegetables curved, names changed

Old Confucian saying goes thus: He who scan that who is not news in paper, gain much life happiness in life.

Or something like that. With that in mind and with no further hairdo, I mean no further ado, here we go.

Name change notices: I've always suspected the name change columns in our papers offer a glimpse into a whole alternate existence, one that I long to be part of even though I'm strangely unwilling to change my name.

For example, what went through the minds of the people who issued these notices, all taken from various Indian papers and all verbatim? And do non-Indians also change their names in great numbers, can anyone tell me?

  • I have changed my name from Jignesh Anil Patel to Jignesh Anil Pokar.

  • I have changed my name from Sudisha Mahabala Hegde to Sadish Hegde.

  • I have changed my name from Orlando Viterbo DeSousa to Warren d'sousa.

  • I have changed my name from Mr Seshmal Jawanmall Devendrakumar to Mr Jain Devendrakumar Jawanmullji.

  • I, Antoinette Maria Alphonsa Pinto ... do hereby affirm that I have changed my name from Antoinette Maria Alphonsa Pinto to Tina Maria Bleach with immediate effect.

  • My name appears in passport is Amar Ismail Dalvi which is incorrect & correct name is Ammar Ismail Dalvi.

  • I Gajanthody Babu Deju have changed my name to Gajanthody Babu Deju Salian.

  • I, Ravi N Katti who had changed his name from originally Ravi N Katti ... is reverting back to his original name Ravi N Katti. [I used Ravi's notice in an earlier post].

  • I have changed my name from JOHN VICTOR FELIX to JOHN NICTOR RELIX.

  • By affidavit dated 15th March ... Vivian William Dcaccia and Vivian William Decaccia is one and the same person and Vivian William Dcaccia means Vivian William Decaccia and none else.

***

Then there's the entirely different alternate existence in the classified and personal columns. See below. Some names are changed, but I assure you there have been no public announcements to that effect. I also assure you these are all verbatim:

  • HOBBY CLASSES: Small batches, personalised attention, short courses, learn vegetable curving, napkin folding. 12 to 2 noon.

  • Win Infenity of Heights & Depths of Life Again & Again. Use Shakti oil/caps. An Ayurvedic Medicine.

  • Drawing and Painting classes for children & Adults. Speciality in live portraits, landspaces and entrance exam.

  • All India Lion Talent Exam. ... Topmost result is "LION RATNA" inscribed on the gold plate. Man does not exist in isolation & goes dull without competition. Competition awards speed, sharpness & recognition to your talent. To be legible for the exam age bar is first time dropped & a student studying in a bonafide class is legible.

  • This auspicious day ... we got a rich gift from God in Heaven. He is Soumitro Abheek Bannerjee. Pray kind God bestow upon him all the best of his blessings. -- Thammi, Dadai, Didun, Dadun, Mamani, Pishamani, Dada, Didi, Mom, Mamadadun, Mamididun, Mamamani, Mashimoni, Ma and Bablai.

  • Babi-Ma/Monima (Shreyo and Subhadra Roy) -- Congratulations on completing 32 years of wedded life and heading for the Ruby. A big thanks for being such wonderful parents and grands. -- Bappa, Soma, Buria, Buro, Gabbu, Jhumpi, Gupi, Buri, Gali, Mampu, Bimbi, Tuti, Tinda, Ghanta and Chhorda.

  • IN MEMORIAM: In undying memory of noble mother ... as long as great mountain straight nose proudly stands, as long as sacred river flows, as long as engineers are devout their engines power by the name of horse, as long as loved dogs are remain blind obedient to their master, so long your memory remain deep in our hearts. Crying sons, Papa and Paul.

  • I am a Bombay settled Kerala Roman Catholic 31/172 working Government of India drawing 70,000 per annum from good looking educated girls.

  • BIRTH: Thakur. On January 26 to Sheila (Bansal) and Prakash, God's gift of a son. ... Cousin for Sutapa, Bharat, Dakshy and Lavanya and a brother for Weak Tea.


Till next time, I remain [NAME CHANGED].

8 comments:

rash said...

gosh... some people are friggin' hilarious!! and they don't even havta try...lol. If more people had this talent... the world would be a happier place!!

Suhail said...

..Government of India drawing 70,000 per annum from good looking educated girls..
Now we all know the govt. is bad & all that..but eploiting good looking girls :o too much. And I tell you Dilip, Ravi N Katti is a fraud. He is phishing. Living two lives in one. First as Ravi N Katti. Second as Ravi N Katti. No seriously, I want to know what did he actually do, when he 'changed' names. Can anyone here?
[tangent]
All this name thing reminds me of :
a) Ukranian election(2004), where Viktor Yanukovych fought Viktor Yuschenko. To make matters worse, there was some recounting, re-election sort of mess resulting in the Viktor who was one-up going down-under. Now, has anyone figured out who is the real 'Victor' ?
b) N.Korean prez Kim JongII meets S.Korean prez Kim dae-jung. Sadly you can't make them out even in the photos
[/tangent]

-KKaazi.

Suhail said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dilip D'Souza said...

Suhail,

has anyone figured out who is the real 'Victor'?

Easy. Viktor is.

As for the Kims, that's easy too. That's Kim on the left, and that's Kim on the right.

Always glad to help.

Sangeeta said...

That was wicked and hilarious!
cracked me up:P

sanjay noronha, austin tx said...

Hi Dinesh, (decided to change your name myself). Such fun reading this. I used to live years ago in India and find this hilarious. Another example (at the risk of this being longer than your orignal post)

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the
recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian
cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is
female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like
God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do?
Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in
hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding
after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in
the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great
velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the
other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which
alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not
crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts
his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

Anonymous said...

I WAS A DCACCIA A LONG TIME AGO!

Anonymous said...

WOWW MY LAST NAMES DCACCIA