Gwen, Gwen, gone

Gwen Stefani, I learn from this morning's Times of India, has a "fashion line" and it's "not like the rest". Why not like the rest? Because it includes "cameras, underwear, stationery and baby clothes."

Ah, got that. (Did you?) You see, all the other fashion lines, they include cows and trees, nailclippers and dictionaries, possibly even bus-stands and sugarcane. Gwen's is "not like" those.

In any case, the lady herself graciously explains: "Everyone has a camera as an accessory. I thought it might be cute to have a camera that will go with your outfit. It will match the underwear I'm making."

Ah. I think I got that. But nevertheless, I have two questions.

One, I don't have a camera as an accessory. I have a camera, sure, but let me put it this way: it's not exactly light. Not exactly what I want to carry around my neck, or anywhere on me, for long stretches. If I tried to use it as an accessory, I rather suspect I will develop immediate plumbago of the back (thank you Billy Bunter) -- at any rate, I'll be nursing major aches and pains.

Two, what would a camera look like that "matches" underwear? Will it have a prominent white elastic band across it that says "Victor V-Front Under-weear?" Bits of lace embroidered onto the shutter release?

But more important by far, how will anyone come to know that it matches your underwear, always presuming you are wearing Gwen Stefani's underwear? (Not her underwear in the sense of the stuff she wears, you understand ... but the stuff from her fashion line that's not like all the rest. The things I've gotta make clear!).

Will your clothes have to be entirely transparent? Or will you have to wear the underwear as outerwear? Or is it that every time you stop to take a photo, you will need to oh-so-casually yank down your neckline, or your waistband, so everyone knows that your camera matches your underwear? (Might make photo-taking a tad difficult, but that's neither here nor there).

Whichever of those three options it is, or perhaps all three, I'm waiting anxiously for Gwen Stefani to take the lead and show us. Looks like a good thing to wait anxiously for, going by her picture in the Times.