Front page carries a piece called "What's on your plate, mate?" about customized car number plates. Apparently, these cost "anywhere between Rs 5000 to Rs 25000 upwards."
Well! I'm glad we've got the price narrowed down!
Also, these plates are a 'wear-your-attitude-on-your-car' trend. Hooooo boy! That must explain why Parvez Abdul Kadar, 23, forked over Rs 24000 for his customized number plate. And what's the customized number his attitude got him? You're not going to believe it, I swear you're not. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down?
This is the number: MH-06-E-1000.
Wow! Positively oozes attitude, doesn't it?
And it works! It makes "girls giv[e] his car a second look", which "makes Parvez's day"! "The outcome", says Parvez with a wink, "is spot on!"
I know what you're thinking. You want to meet the kind of girl who would give "MH-06-E-1000" a second look, right? Me neither.
Page 7 is almost wholly dedicated to "Get-Gorgeous Tips". Now I'm always looking to get gorgeous, so I'm applying these tips as I write this. Here's a progress report on, well, my progress.
- Go for a smouldering stare. ... Line the rim of your upper and lower lashes with a black eyeliner. ... Finish by sweeping a dark shadow onto your lids.
Check. My stare is smouldering indeed. Also, I cannot close my eyes any more.
- Pair a smouldering eye look with a crisp off-white nail polish. The combo looks elegant, plus you won't have to worry about your manicure matching your clothes.
Done. The dirt under my fingernails shows through the off-white stuff, but never mind. Also, it's good not to worry -- for once! -- about matching my manicure to my clothes. You know how that always slows you down when you're dressing, what shall I wear with this chewed nail?
- Nix a shiny nose. [Take] one of those toilet seat covers ... it'll act as blotting paper. Don't have an eyelash curler? You can use a sturdy plastic spoon instead. Just press the curved end into your eye socket.
Hmm. Some difficulty here. First question, do I leave the toilet seat cover hanging from my nose when I'm done blotting? Second question, do I leave the spoon in my eye socket when I'm done curling? Besides, what's this spoon going to do to my smouldering stare?
- Sweeten your handshake. Mist your fragrance on your palms.
Great idea! This stuff I bought for Rs 10 outside Marine Lines Station is all over my palms now. Only trouble is, my palms itch like crazy.
- Cop the ultimate blowout. After you're through with blow-drying, flip your head over.
Difficult, but I'm working on it. Which way is best to flip my head over, front-to-back or side-to-side?
- Enhance your cleavage by dusting a shimmery body powder over the tops of your breasts. And to prevent the sparkles from rubbing off ... first apply a body lotion so the powder has something to cling to.
Done. My chest's so bright, I gotta wear shades. But I can't quite tell if I've enhanced my cleavage or not; the spoon gets in the way when I look down.
So as you can see, I'm doing quite well with the tips. Got some way to go, but I'm intent on looking gorgeous. But wait a minute. The party's over!