June 16, 2005

BT fix, again

Snippets from the Bombay Times, June 16 2005. Offered as a public service to BT-deprived readers.

***

Front page carries a piece called "What's on your plate, mate?" about customized car number plates. Apparently, these cost "anywhere between Rs 5000 to Rs 25000 upwards."

Well! I'm glad we've got the price narrowed down!

Also, these plates are a 'wear-your-attitude-on-your-car' trend. Hooooo boy! That must explain why Parvez Abdul Kadar, 23, forked over Rs 24000 for his customized number plate. And what's the customized number his attitude got him? You're not going to believe it, I swear you're not. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down?

This is the number: MH-06-E-1000.

Wow! Positively oozes attitude, doesn't it?

And it works! It makes "girls giv[e] his car a second look", which "makes Parvez's day"! "The outcome", says Parvez with a wink, "is spot on!"

I know what you're thinking. You want to meet the kind of girl who would give "MH-06-E-1000" a second look, right? Me neither.

***

Page 7 is almost wholly dedicated to "Get-Gorgeous Tips". Now I'm always looking to get gorgeous, so I'm applying these tips as I write this. Here's a progress report on, well, my progress.

  • Go for a smouldering stare. ... Line the rim of your upper and lower lashes with a black eyeliner. ... Finish by sweeping a dark shadow onto your lids.

    Check. My stare is smouldering indeed. Also, I cannot close my eyes any more.

  • Pair a smouldering eye look with a crisp off-white nail polish. The combo looks elegant, plus you won't have to worry about your manicure matching your clothes.

    Done. The dirt under my fingernails shows through the off-white stuff, but never mind. Also, it's good not to worry -- for once! -- about matching my manicure to my clothes. You know how that always slows you down when you're dressing, what shall I wear with this chewed nail?

  • Nix a shiny nose. [Take] one of those toilet seat covers ... it'll act as blotting paper. Don't have an eyelash curler? You can use a sturdy plastic spoon instead. Just press the curved end into your eye socket.

    Hmm. Some difficulty here. First question, do I leave the toilet seat cover hanging from my nose when I'm done blotting? Second question, do I leave the spoon in my eye socket when I'm done curling? Besides, what's this spoon going to do to my smouldering stare?

  • Sweeten your handshake. Mist your fragrance on your palms.

    Great idea! This stuff I bought for Rs 10 outside Marine Lines Station is all over my palms now. Only trouble is, my palms itch like crazy.

  • Cop the ultimate blowout. After you're through with blow-drying, flip your head over.

    Difficult, but I'm working on it. Which way is best to flip my head over, front-to-back or side-to-side?

  • Enhance your cleavage by dusting a shimmery body powder over the tops of your breasts. And to prevent the sparkles from rubbing off ... first apply a body lotion so the powder has something to cling to.

    Done. My chest's so bright, I gotta wear shades. But I can't quite tell if I've enhanced my cleavage or not; the spoon gets in the way when I look down.


So as you can see, I'm doing quite well with the tips. Got some way to go, but I'm intent on looking gorgeous. But wait a minute. The party's over!

10 comments:

anangbhai said...

Subsequent screams of laughter and then "OH god we're getting trendier and mediocre by the second"...
Here's my own fashion tip:
1. Take that spoon and scoop out both of your eyeballs and eat them like cadbury toffee. Now proceed to do your other makeup that will waste hours of your precious time and make sure you look trendy as hell. Make sure to wear those black rimmed Emo glasses.
2. Congratulations, you're another successful consumer whore who reads bullshit magazines that degrade your self esteem and unable to make your own decisions. Next time you're in a fix, consult more magazines. In fact, I learned everything I know from Sarita magazine.
Who knows, in a few days that scooped eyeball thing could spawn another trend and a whole another useless fashion line. Glass eyeballs anyone?

charu said...

I did wonder about the smoulder but then I thought it was probly the sunlight bouncing off the waves or something - and do post updates on what the toilet seat cover does for your social life...
related thought (if you can loosely call it that) for anangbhai - does mediocre mean more medioc the way trendier mean more trendy?
(great start to the day for me, such 'fix'es could get addictive)

neha said...

Can't stop laughing! :)

Danke for a wonderful read in the morning!

kaaju katli said...

:-) Hilarious!!! I read your blog regularly and thought I would let you know. Thank you!

eM said...

This is hilarious!
Have been stalking your blog for some time, btw, but thought I'd tell you so today :)

Anirudh Karnick said...

Good one. Bombay Times! I hate it. "Hate IT".

Anirudh Karnick said...

My blog is back in action. Full time!

Anonymous said...

third stalker revealed for the day ;-)

been an avid reader since the tsunami blogs or the adoption post dont remember which came earlier...

love your writing

i_f

Roshan said...

hehe...reminded me of that line from my fair lady, but in reverse: "you go to see a play or ballet, you spend it searching for her glove!" Poor Vibha

Neela said...

dilip!

I particularly like those lovely pieces of fashion advice that rediff.com and the newspapers dole out regularly - the ones from Minali or Payal or some other Latest Designer who confidently claims that ochre, fuschia or salmon are the colours this spring and that deep-ruby or woodsmoke will be the colour for autumn.

And also those marvellous pieces that urge working women to "invest in a suit" this spring/summer or fall/winter. A SUIT?? With a strand of pearls?? (the investment idea I won't even stoop to comment on). I wonder which segment of working women they are speaking to. In all my time of working in India, I didn't come across one woman who wore suits to work. (I am of course not counting the bright red dresses of Natty Nancy Rego or the flouncy blue skirt of Bold and Beautiful Betty Pinto).