Truth in advertising

Educational opportunities, as advertised in newspapers:

ADMISSION NOTICE: Applications are invited for admission into next 6 month Advance Course in Open Type Footwear from Madhyamik (or equivalent) passed male and female students at a course fee of Rs 3000 per head. Number of seats is 25. Age limit is 30 years but relaxable in case of extra ordinary qualified students.

Very tempting. But how would I be an "extra ordinary qualified student" for an Advance Course in Open Type Footwear, I'd like to know. Perhaps if I have been barefoot all my life?

GOOD NEWS ONLY UPTO 21st AUG: Learn: Paan-Masala and Gutka-Preparation. Contact for Materials Also.

Ahh, shucks! I just sent off my application for the Open Type Footwear course! Never mind, could I have the Materials?

***
From a column titled FIFTY 'LOOKING GOOD' TIPS by Marisa Goel in the Afternoon:

• To let your eyebrows look more natural, theeze or thread on the lower part of the brows only.

Is that "theeze" or "sneeze"?

• Highlights and lowlights are 'in'.

Oh. What's 'out', then?

• Non-surgical fire lifting treatments have no side effects.

No? Not even the burns?

• Use a body when whenever you can.

Hmm. I like this. Whose body, though? And for what? These ladies I ask keep whacking me across the face. Got anything for that, incidentally?

• Shoes and handbag must be of the same colour.
  
• Change your handbag often.

And the shoes?

• If you have fine, flyaway hair use some mouse for a firm hold.

Yeah, he's got a firm hold alright, that mouse. In fact, I can feel him holding on and sort of gnawing at my scalp as I write this. How do I get him off?

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From a receipt for a long distance call made at a booth in Bylakuppe, Karnataka.

• THANK YOU VISIT ONCE

I just did. Thanks for making me feel welcome.

***
From the Classified sections of two different newspapers:

WEDDING CORAL: Our Darling Daddy and Mummy, HAPPY 35th ANNIVERSARY. God bless you both. All our love. Cedric/Cheryse/Charlie Clive/Sharon/Cynthia Celia/Kevin/Nancy Claude/Jane/Meatball.

Yeah right, get out of here. We wanted you to name him Goofball, not Meatball! No love. Daddy and Mummy.

PENFRIEND WANTED: Middle aged Mr Sen (Post Box 85, Sambalpur) in Central Service, MA, 5'8" tall, married, seeks truthful lady penfriend as tall as him and invites correspondence in Oriya/English/Hindi.

OK Mr Sen, if you're reading this, please watch for my letter. I'm a lady and I'm as tall as you. I am also very truthful.