That other Boris

A whole slew of intriguing reports in The Hitavada (Nagpur), April 25 2006 (an earlier installment, here). From charming spellings to exciting events to an observation about sane minds, it's all in there.

Some excerpts, under respective headlines. All verbatim except for some name changes.

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English reading project at NJ Junior College
... Thus knowing English is extremely important. To enhance once grasp on the language, constant practice in terms of reading writing and speaking, can work wonders.

Thank you, but I'm interested in enhancing twice grasp on the language. What should I do about that?

Pandit Agnihotri asks students to express themselves freely
... He further asked the new generation to protect moral values as they are the touchbearers for good socieities to flourish.

Yes, but should they really be touching the bearers?

Keep people informed of govt plans: Thakre
... Bela Gawande said that it was unfortunate that the farmers are committing suicide. She said that considering this apathy of the farmers, the government has launched a drive to make them self-sufficient.

True, when will they stop being so apathetic about committing suicide?

[Later in same item] Under the mass marriage programme, 251 couples tied the knoptial knot in the district.

Knever before. I'm knot kidding. Or knitting. Kno, kno, knot at all.

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Fine for not writing mother's name on examination form
Buldhana: The Maharashtra State Board of Higher and Secondary Education has decided to collect fine of Rs 100 to Rs 200 from those students who do not write the name of their mother on the examination form. ... It is clear for any sane mind to understand that the basic responsibility to fill up the form is that of students. ... Ultimately it is the parents who will have to bear the brunt and pay the fine.

What's the matter with you insane minds, eh? Can't you imagine the plight of the parent whose name is omitted from the form, and who has to pay a fine as well? Shocking.

What's that? Why do they have to write their ma's name anyway? Shut up, or we may have to tie you in a knoptial knot.

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Water kiosk opened at Gangazari Rly Station
... Addressing the function, Bagadia said that to serve humans is true service to God. There can be no better way of serving than to provide cool drinking water to commuters who travel braving hot scorching summers.

Wonderful! What I'm wondering is, why wasn't this news on the front page? Instead of, for example, some obscure item under the headline Nepal parties plan showdown today?

But speaking of service and God ...

Osmania Masjid Trust opens charitable hospital
... Jamaluddin Ashraf said the doctors would be doing great service nnot only to the patients but humanity. This will be the greatest service to the society and shall definitely be rewarded by the Almighty.

All things considered, it may be best to hedge bets and open a charitable water kiosk-cum-hospital at Gangazari railway station, where doctors brave the hot scorching commuters and down cool drinking water all day.

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Haryana to keep track of pregnant women
... Observing that the sex ratio in the state was as low as 861 females per 1000 males, Health Director NK Bansal said the Appropriate Authorities were proving quite effective in tackling the problem of female foeticide.

Oh yes, very effective indeed!

Speaking of keeping track ...

New guidelines for assessing biodiversity in four months
[T]he National Biodiversity Commission is expected to come out with exhaustive guidelines to evaluate every living organism in the country in the next four months. ... The objective of preparing guidelines is to evaluate and compensate every organism that falls within a project area.

Well, that's a relief. Finally, somebody's going to be evaluating Boris, my pet amoeba. Though wait a sec ... well, they'd better get here soon, Boris just split in two.

Make that four.

Also, I fell within a project area last week. I expect to be evaluated and compensated pronto.

Make that eight. Dammit, which one of you is Boris?

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Two trucks with same numbers!
Bhandara: Two trucks bearing same number were caught by police here the other day. ... [I]nvestigations revealed that the vehicles had different engine numbers.

Those must have been some serious investigations indeed. Lucky someone in Bhandara is doing this investigation.

Now I hope that someone can visit Khamgaon, where there's some stuff happening with trucks ...

Three injured in road mishap
Khamgaon: Three persons were injured when a truck hit the other truck parked in front of a hotel ... The truck was standing in front of Atul Hotel when it was dashed by the other truck. ... Rampal Srivastav, the driver of the truck who hit the other one ...

Yes, but what about the other truck?