May 29, 2006

I want my Rare Oak Cask

It's a curious thing. I'll be walking along, minding my own business, humming "Attack of the Killer Tomatos" to myself. Without warning, the thought enters my mind, a burning desire that cannot be quenched: "I want an oak cask." Sometimes it's "I want a rare decanter", or "I want an Extra Strong Mug". But mostly it's an uncontrollable urge for an oak cask.

Does this happen to you as well? Well, there's good news. These everyday objects are freely available. At least, there are plenty of ads for them.

Yes indeed. If it is an oak cask you have always longed to own, you could do worse than check out the huge hoarding on Mahim Causeway. It says: "Enjoyed the world over; Proudly old-fashioned since 1883; Black Bog; 12 years old; Oak Casks." ("Oak Casks", for some nutso reason, is written bottom to top so you have to turn your head sideways to read it).

Well, OK, it doesn't say quite that. I've changed the brand name to protect it (from what, though?). It's not Black Bog, so don't expect to recognize it without half a second's thought.

Some years ago, another billboard had a picture of what looked like a regular issue barrel. But that couldn't have been what it was, because it was labeled "McWaddle Single Malt Rare Cask". (Oh all right, I changed this name too, to McWaddle). And underneath was the answer to my fond dreams of the time: "Rare Cask Available by Mail Order."

(One more fond dream of the time: I would have liked to meet the postmen who delivered these mail order Rare Casks).

You should know that in entering the Rare Cask market, McWaddle had diversified and shown commendable versatility. For some years, they had been trying to peddle "McWaddle Rare Decanters". Which didn't quite fly off the shelves, or through the post. See, Rare Decanters, being made of glass, do not suffer a mail order journey very gladly. So the move into the Rare Cask business must have been a profitable one. If bulkier.

But far and away the most appealing of all these exciting products by mail came from Waywards (usual disclaimer about the name): Waywards Extra Strong Mugs. By any standard, this was a breakthrough product. And I don't say so only because they are Extra Strong and can withstand the journey through the postal system, as Rare Decanters could not. That is one benefit to Waywards Extra Strong Mugs, to be sure. But more than that, think of all the strenuous uses you put mugs to -- in the bathroom, in your garden, to drink milk, to smash over people's heads at parties.

We've never had mugs truly strong enough to survive these battlegrounds of the home. It's clear that consumers have been crying out for Extra Strong Mugs for years. So give Waywards a big hand. And lots of orders as well.

Though I remain a little mystified by these Mugs. The ads show them filled with some strange yellow liquid, foam bubbling over. What's this, some secret marketing technique I don't know about?

1 comment:

nevermind said...

It's called backward masking, like they do in all that satanic rock stuff. The golden stuff is water laced with jeera, which your conscious mind recognizes instantly. But your subconscious (and that depends on how morally depraved you are) thinks it might be something else. You've got only yourself to blame for that.