Real instructions for real Indians

The Hindustan Times (April 2 2008) carries a feature titled "Delhi Choked". It identifies and addresses traffic problems in our nation's magnificent traffic-afflicted capital. It lists five things the ordinary driver can do to "improve the traffic situation":

Stick to your lane.

Do not overtake a vehicle from its left side.

Follow 'right of way' rules at major intersections and roundabouts.

Do not speed.

Do not drive on the wrong side to avoid a long turn.

And as often happens, I read this and began to wonder, what mind-altering substances have these HT writers been imbibing?

You see, every driver in India knows that there are very specific and sacred rules for driving on Indian roads, and the HT's lame suggestions are certainly not among them.

As a public service, I offer you a sample. You're welcome.

While driving your car:

1) You see an old couple standing in the middle of the road. They are waiting for a gap in the traffic on your side so they can cross. There exists such a gap between you and the car ahead. You must:

Immediately speed up to close the gap.

Honk and wave a fist as you pass them, to show that you are wise to their temerity in attempting to cross, and to show them who's boss.

Never ever stop or even slow down to let them cross. It produces an unnatural and unnecessary decrease in their blood pressure levels.

2) You want to make a right turn across traffic. You must:

Prepare early for your turn, as much as 200 metres early, by moving into and across the lanes of traffic going in the opposite direction, so that for the last several dozen metres before you turn, you are actually driving in those lanes and bringing oncoming traffic to a complete halt, because following your lead into the turn are 67 cars behind you.

Never ever use your turn signal. It wastes the battery, which contributes to global warming.

3) You see a line of white dashes down the middle of your side of the road. You must:

Immediately move your car so as to straddle it, and thus ensure that cars behind you cannot overtake. Few people are aware of it, but the accepted meaning of that line all over India is "Obstruct all traffic behind you."

Never ever drive entirely on either side of the line. It cuts fuel consumption and thus subtracts from the country's GDP.

4) It's late at night and the car ahead has stopped at a red light. You must:

Nearly ram into it at the highest speed you can achieve.

Then swerve past at even higher speed, making sure to honk, curse and wave a fist angrily at the driver.

Never ever stop as well. It impedes smooth swerving for the cars behind.

5) A lane you have to visit has a round sign at its entrance, with an upward-pointing arrow and a red line diagonally across the arrow. It may even have the English letters "N-O E-N-T-R-Y". You must:

Drive into the lane at the highest speed possible. For there are likely to be several pedestrians there who have the silly notion that this is a one-way street, and this impression must be corrected as quickly as possible, if necessary by causing them injury or death.

Say "Is this your father's road?" to anyone who questions you.

Never ever miss any such lane. It reduces work for any traffic constable who might happen to be in the area.

6) You need to ask someone directions. You must:

Brake to a stop as suddenly as possible, in the middle of the road, and be sure to bring all traffic behind to a complete halt.

To anyone who shows impatience at being made to wait, make a curious gesture with the fingers of one hand, bunching and unbunching them rapidly.

Never ever move to the side of the road to ask your question. It lowers stress in other drivers, and thus cuts into cardiologists' business.

7) You are the 17th car in line waiting at a red light. It turns green. You must:

Immediately honk, and honk some more.

Keep honking till the signal turns red again and you have moved up to 11th in line. But be ready to honk as soon as it turns green again in a few minutes.

Never ever stay silent. It detracts from the audio entertainment pedestrians and others around count on, 24/7.

And finally, remember that you are the only good driver on the road. Everyone else is a bad driver. Consequently, nothing that happens on the road is ever your fault. In fact, that's the sign that you're a good driver: everything is someone else's fault.