May 04, 2005

Floss away the years

In that motherlode of vital life knowledge, the Bombay Times (May 3 2005), I found something titled "12 ways to a younger you." It's an unsigned article containing "views from [unnamed] experts on how to keep those aging woes away." And verbatim from the article, here they are, those woes ... sorry, I mean views.

1) Take your vitamins: Regularly taking [various vitamins] can make your real age 6 years younger.

2) Quit smoking and avoid passive smoke: Smoking makes your real age 8 years older.

3) Know your blood pressure: A person with low BP is as much as 25 years younger than a person with high BP.

4) Reduce stress: In highly stressful times, your real age can be as much as 32 years older than your calendar age. ... [Y]ou can erase 30 of those 32 years caused by stress.

5) Floss your teeth: Flossing and brushing daily can make your real age 6.4 years younger.

6) Be active: Even a small amount of exercise ... can make your real age nearly 5 years younger.

7) Wear your seatbelt: Regularly wearing a seat belt ... can make your real age as much as 3.4 years younger.

8) Fill up on fiber: Getting 25 grams of fiber per day ... can make your real age 2.5 years younger than [taking only] 12 grams.

9) Monitor your health: People who are proactive about seeking high-quality medical care ... can have a real age as much as 12 years younger.

10) Develop an age reduction plan: Over your lifetime, you can make your real age as much as 26 years younger.

11) Laugh a lot: Laughter ... can make your real age as much as 8 years younger.

12) Become a lifelong learner: People who remain intellectually involved ... have a real age as much as 2.5 years younger.

A few points in response. The article is accompanied by a (unsigned) cartoon of a man laughing. Is that mean to indicate that this an elaborately obscure joke? If so, dense me, I missed it entirely. Ho ho!

But if it isn't a joke, what does it all mean? What's the meaning of "you can make your real age 26 years younger"? How do I square the 26 years in point #10 with the 30 in point #4? How does flossing my teeth make my real age younger, and that by 6.4 (not 6.5 or 6.3, but 6.4) years?

In any case, I've found good news for myself. I know my BP (#3), I floss my teeth (#5), I am active (#6), I wear my seatbelt (#7), I laugh all the time (#11). In fact I'm laughing right now, at myself for reading this stuff.

Therefore, I am nearly 48 years younger than I am. (In passing, I would like to point out my strong belief that that last sentence has never been uttered in recorded human history).

In fact, I am not born yet.

But I do floss my unborn teeth. I swear. And experts say swearing gives them a real age as much as 4.7 years older than your real age. Not to mention reading Bombay Times, which will kill you.


Tagad_Tale said...

This is among the funniest things I have read in a while. Dilip, I don't think people like you, who have a mind of their own, are the target segment of Bombay Times. So, quit complaining.


Anurag said...

Dilip, you missed the point. There are lots of plays on words. Your real age gets younger, not you. So, if you are 45 years old (just a random number, don't write a sarcastic article about me), your age is 45, and your age is 45 years old too (since it was born with you). Now, following the practices in the article, your age is -3, but you still are 45 years old. Lucky age.

Suhail said...

11) Laugh a lot: Laughter ... can make your real age as much as 8 years younger.

Do smiley's & e-laughs count?
:)))) hehehehee......that shd take me back to sweet 16 :)

Anonymous said...

The Old lady of Boribunder has now shed all realities or pretences of being a lady and has now become a tramp. A tramp who cant spell, has teeny boppers on its pay roll who can only print pics of semi naked women and even more pics of idiotic page 3 types. Crass commercialization.

Anyways, this is your blog, not mine ! Nice post Dilip.

Amit M

Anonymous said...

Like they say.. its all in mind, age is but a number :D ;) :)


Vikrum said...


A hilarious post. After reading the BT, I also realized that I have not been born yet. Let's meet up some time when we are both existing, okay?

Dilip D'Souza said...

Funny? You guys think this is funny? This is deadly serious, dudes. I've been flossing my teeth the whole day and plan to do it for the next several years, by which time I'll have regressed into early childhood and you can all send me your favourite Made in China toys. (I like little cars).

Anurag, I am 45 and I am at this very minute writing a sarcastic article about you. Just as soon as I get rid of this irritating bit of floss that's wrapped around my fingers, that is. And you are of course right about my age: I celebrate its birthday every year.

Vikrum, I only hang out with people my own age. Therefore, I suggest you get out the floss.

doles said...

Hello Dilip,

I ask this question without having read many of your articles or other writings - Why do you have such morbid title for your blog?


Vikrum said...


As a member of the Dilip D'Souza fan club (Bandra W Chapter), I can answer your question. Dilip saw a bumper sticker in Austin, TX that read "Death Ends Fun." Intrigued by the sticker, he decided to name his blog in kind. His first-ever post examines the title:

Sunil said...

hehehe.......and you read the BT too!!

Dilip D'Souza said...

Doles: what Vikrum said. I remember nearly falling off my seat laughing when I saw that sticker. And as my seat at the time was the driver's seat of a car, falling off was not a good thing to do.

By the way, I'm a member of the Vikrum Sequeira fan club (Bandra W chapter). Thing about him and me is this: we each refuse to belong to clubs that the other belongs to.

Krishna, you old Tuck man! Good to hear from you. What's up in NH, have you climbed White Mountain yet?

Saraansh said...

Hey Dilip
On the topic of age, I'm surprised that your obession with it continues even after all the talk we had during our trip.Remember the mint...I don't think flossing will help, so drop it is all I will say :-)

Btw: Coming to Bombay with evam Indrajit,will call you when I am there.