Floss away the years

In that motherlode of vital life knowledge, the Bombay Times (May 3 2005), I found something titled "12 ways to a younger you." It's an unsigned article containing "views from [unnamed] experts on how to keep those aging woes away." And verbatim from the article, here they are, those woes ... sorry, I mean views.

1) Take your vitamins: Regularly taking [various vitamins] can make your real age 6 years younger.

2) Quit smoking and avoid passive smoke: Smoking makes your real age 8 years older.

3) Know your blood pressure: A person with low BP is as much as 25 years younger than a person with high BP.

4) Reduce stress: In highly stressful times, your real age can be as much as 32 years older than your calendar age. ... [Y]ou can erase 30 of those 32 years caused by stress.

5) Floss your teeth: Flossing and brushing daily can make your real age 6.4 years younger.

6) Be active: Even a small amount of exercise ... can make your real age nearly 5 years younger.

7) Wear your seatbelt: Regularly wearing a seat belt ... can make your real age as much as 3.4 years younger.

8) Fill up on fiber: Getting 25 grams of fiber per day ... can make your real age 2.5 years younger than [taking only] 12 grams.

9) Monitor your health: People who are proactive about seeking high-quality medical care ... can have a real age as much as 12 years younger.

10) Develop an age reduction plan: Over your lifetime, you can make your real age as much as 26 years younger.

11) Laugh a lot: Laughter ... can make your real age as much as 8 years younger.

12) Become a lifelong learner: People who remain intellectually involved ... have a real age as much as 2.5 years younger.

A few points in response. The article is accompanied by a (unsigned) cartoon of a man laughing. Is that mean to indicate that this an elaborately obscure joke? If so, dense me, I missed it entirely. Ho ho!

But if it isn't a joke, what does it all mean? What's the meaning of "you can make your real age 26 years younger"? How do I square the 26 years in point #10 with the 30 in point #4? How does flossing my teeth make my real age younger, and that by 6.4 (not 6.5 or 6.3, but 6.4) years?

In any case, I've found good news for myself. I know my BP (#3), I floss my teeth (#5), I am active (#6), I wear my seatbelt (#7), I laugh all the time (#11). In fact I'm laughing right now, at myself for reading this stuff.

Therefore, I am nearly 48 years younger than I am. (In passing, I would like to point out my strong belief that that last sentence has never been uttered in recorded human history).

In fact, I am not born yet.

But I do floss my unborn teeth. I swear. And experts say swearing gives them a real age as much as 4.7 years older than your real age. Not to mention reading Bombay Times, which will kill you.