Said ingest, with onion

Today, I shall do you all a big favour. I am going to explain the blubbertarian position on ingest to you. I realize you didn't ask, I also realize you don't care. But I know I have this knowledge, and I have to give it to you, and so I am doing just that. (Giving it to you).

Let's first define what we mean by ingest. There are two possible meanings.

First, it means doing something for fun. Like for example: "Kanakadurga told me I was an idiot ingest." Meaning, Kanakadurga was only joking when she told me I was an idiot. (The real joke is, of course, on her. Because I really am an idiot).

Second, it means eating something. For example, fashionable modern mothers say it to their kids all the time. "Ingest up, ingest up," they'll say, "ingest up, dammit! Or I'll call the police!"

What's that? Now come on, do understand, they say it ingest. They don't really mean to call the police, don't worry! So ingest away. (They're also saying it to their kids, so why you took it personally is beyond me).

So now that you've got the hang of that, let me explain a little bit about blubbertarians. We blubbertarians believe, above all, in the individual freedom to cry. To the blubbertarian, three words in that phrase ("individual freedom to cry") are important: "individual", "freedom", and "cry." (Well, "to" is pretty important to).

The individual is supreme, his freedom is supremer, and his crying is beyond supreme.

In fact, the way blubbertarians cry is a proud example to mankind. We learn the method from a book called The Fountain Said, by the famous German writer Eine Grand. (Note: It's a pseudonym. She called herself that because that's how much money, in pfennigs, she made from writing the book). In the title, the most important words are "The" and "Fountain". (Well, "Said" is pretty important too). That's a reference to how the tears should flow when we blubbertarians cry: like a fountain.

So we really are super-league world-champion cry-babies, we blubbertarians. Which is why we call ourselves "blubbertarians". "Blubber", or "cry". Get it? "Blubber", meaning "cry", get it?.

Anyway, to blubbertarians it is very important that you have the freedom to blubber -- whenever you want, wherever you are, and the more the better. We believe mankind has suffered enormously wherever this freedom has been curtailed. In fact, we get so upset by this suffering that we cry some more.

And now about ingest. The thing about ingest is, which meaning are we blubbertarians taking a position on?

You'll cry copiously -- and so be well on your way to becoming a blubbertarian -- when I tell you the answer: both!

Yes sir. So on the fun bit, we blubbertarians say: no way! We believe nobody should have fun, because then they'll tend to blubber less. The more people develop a sense of humour, the harder it will be for blubbertarianism to spread. So blubbertarians have developed a unique response for when anyone says something ingest. Whatever it is, we simply sit down and cry, willing our trained tears to erupt from our eyes like fountains. We have also worked hard to kill off our individual senses of humour, and we believe it's vital to kill off everyone else's as well.

On the eating bit, blubbertarians say: yes, go ahead and ingest, but with plenty of raw onion. Brings on the tears, see. (The onion).

So there you are. That's the blubbertarian position on ingest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go blubber out today's quota of tears. That's what The Fountain Said.